Rabid Pooping Bubble Monsters

It's mid-July in Florida (aka Satan's Buttcrack) which means that the time we spend outside has to be strategically planned for the hours of 6:30-8:45am. That is literally the only acceptable time to be outside here if one wants to avoid the Rango shrivel or being carried away by Miracle-Grow-possibly-Zika-infested mosquitoes.

We try to spend some time outside everyday. Sometimes we stay at home and play on the slide or with the sand table. Sometimes we swim. Usually though, The Spawn wants to go to the park. These little excursions involve driving to the park, unloading, and "racing" with The Spawn around all of the playground equipment 10-15 times. Then he's ready to go. That's it. No sliding. No swinging. Just running around and around and around. I've had several conversations with him about how we could have just run around the yard at home but it always ends with tearful protestations and requests to return to the park immediately to go "slide," otherwise known as, "run around the slides".

It's nearing the end of our summer vacation, so I've been having fun with some not-so-educational craft projects before the school year starts up. Since we need outdoor entertainment that doesn't involve running around playground equipment, I thought it was time to break out the bubbles. Here's what you'll need:

Rabid Pooping Bubble Monsters

• empty water bottles
• cutting utensil (I like throwing knives and broken glass but I guess you could use scissors if you're one of those boring scissor-using people)
• fabric or socks
• rubber bands
• foam sheets
• googly eyes
• hot glue gun & sticks
• Dawn dishwashing liquid (classic blue works best but I only have "New Zealand Springs". Can you blame me? It smells less like plastic.)
• Glycerin (look for this in the pharmacy section near the surgical washes and bandages)
• water
• paper plates and a plastic cup

You'll want to prep this the day before you want to use them to let the bubble stuff do its secret magical chemical bonding shit.

Make your bubble stuff: Mix 8 oz of water with 3 tbsp dawn and 1 tbsp glycerine. Let your solution sit overnight. I tripled the recipe and poured it into an old 2 liter bottle. Then I created a quick cardstock label, et voilà!

Cut the bottoms off of your water bottles.
Decorate your bottles with foam and googly eyes to make adorable monsters. Note: depending on which way you decorate, you'll end up with either a rabid monster or a pooping one.
 

Cut fabric to fit over the bottom of your bottles. I used an old flour sack towel. Secure with rubber band or ponytail holder.

 Set up outside.

Pour a small amount on bubble stuff into the cup. Add more than 10 drops of food coloring. Mix and pour onto plate. I found that I used too much bubble stuff and not enough color. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Learn from my sins.

Dip the cloth-covered end of your bubble monster into the bubbles then blow into the spout to create your foamy awesomeness.

Foamy poop!!!

There's no hope for him now, Travis. He's suffering. You know we've got to do it.

 Bubble success!

Also this weekend, Thomas the Tank Engine Star Alignment.

Oh, and there is one more thing... we haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know. But I don't have- I'm not asking much, just a token really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice. 

Disney, please don't come after me for using this really shitty Vimeo screenshot. I am poor. For realz. You could maybe get a few plastic clothes hangers and some potted meat out of your petty lawsuit. On the other hand, come at me, bro. I have too much of this potted meat shit. The Husband is kind of into doomsday prepping and I don't want to spend the Zombie Apocalypse sitting in a hole somewhere eating 500 metric tons of motherfucking Spam.

 That was a Disney tangent. Get used to them. I had two of them in the last post that I declined to type but that was pure laziness on my part. This post was literally going to start with "Oh, and..." to indicate an afterthought, you know? And then continue in to the amazing story I have to relay. But you see what happens. My internal monologue is constantly interrupted by Hades or Yzma or Scar. Hmm, that's a bunch of villains. I mean, I hear other characters. Really, I do. But yeah, it's usually the villains. They have the best lines.

Oh, and speaking of Disney tangents: In the above dialogue between Ursula and Ariel, two lines were removed for the soundtrack release of Poor Unfortunate Souls. "You can't get something for nothing, you know." and "You'll never even miss it." So when I hear the recording it really fucks with me, as every word of that film has been permanently and infallibly seared into my brain since the age of eight. So yeah, thanks for screwing with my, Disney.

And now, for something completely different...

 This post is really about Thomas the Tank Engine. Don't believe me? (Ask the dishes! They can sing, they can dance, after all, Miss, this is France! And a dinner here is never second best!) Fuck!

Ahem, as I've stated before, The Spawn loves Thomas. He hugged his little die cast Thomas the other day and told me that Thomas was his best friend. Cue awwwws. He's been collecting the Take-n-play Thomas and Friends but their tracks and other cool offerings are pretty limited. So we started collecting the Thomas Wooden Railroad stuff which have all of the characters and buildings and crap and have been around since the early 90s. These fucking wooden trains are expensive as shit. And by that I mean if the shit in question were made out of a bunch of money. I paid 25 bucks for 3 trains and a little wooden oval track and that was a really good deal comparatively speaking. He also really wants the Trackmaster Thomas trains (which are motorized and run on a completely different track, fuckyouverymuch).

He knows about the existence of these things because of Youtube. So I really have no one to blame but myself. I ignore his crack screen habit every single day so that I can have a cup of coffee and perhaps a nice poop in peace. I've spent a few weeks scouting eBay for used trains and components. Some of these little bitches are more expensive than my fucktitting electric bill. And it's almost July. And I live in FLORIDA. So I came across a Craigslist post for "large lot of wooden train tracks with a few trains, $100". An hour away from my house. Called them up and asked to have a look-see.

You guys. YOU GUYS.

And in the bottom of that giant-ass green tote, I hit the motherlode. 52 Thomas Wooden Railway trains. These are not pictured because I shit myself and had to get cleaned up then forgot to take a photo. There was seriously over a thousand bucks worth of Thomas and Brio stuff.

And then today I took a random trip with my Mom to a goodwill that I never visit and found a giant container of Thomas Trackmaster trains for $24.99. Are you shitting me? The Thomas gods are smiling down upon me this weekend. #blessed